By Austin B. Hahn
Honeyyy, are you finding yourself all alone again for the holidays, (like last year?) Well, truth be told: I wouldn’t know what that’s like. HOWEVER, what I can do is offer you my advice, but listen up bitches: this isn’t just another “How to Guide” written by some self-proclaimed dating expert or psychologist, (who the fuck do I look like, Dr. Phil???) This is some plain good ol’, straight up, skip the bullshit advice. If you’re looking for sympathy, you’re better off making an appearance on the Oprah Winfrey Network. I have to warn you: if anyone has already been, is, or is going to be offended, then I suggest that you FUCK OFF. Thank you!
For some people, getting over a boyfriend can be just as hard as getting under one. Fortunately, for hos like me, that’s not difficult. Clingy Claires, Needy Nancys, and Two-Ton Tommys, if you’re missing your ex, here are some steps that you can take to improve your aim:
1) Eat your feelings.
That’s right! Go to the kitchen and find whatever you like that you can get your hands on. No one has ever complained after eating their favorite treat. Bitches from Jenny Craig might say they feel guilty afterwards, but I beg to differ. Just look at Kirstie Alley; when was the last time you ever heard her say “no” to a box of chocolate donuts? You want something to distract you from thinking about your horrible break up??? Then go eat something deep fried, smothered in chocolate, and sprinkled with powdered sugar. I’m sure it tastes better than your ex-boyfriend.
2) Don’t go to bed angry; STAY UP AND PLOT YOUR REVENGE!!!
If there’s any solution to a bad break up with a guy that cheated on you and screwed your best friend, then this is it. First of all, don’t go to your mom’s house, and then write that asshole some piece of shit e-mail about what you “learned” in the relationship. Because boo boo, let’s be honest: the only thing you probably learned was that his mother should’ve swallowed the load when she had the chance. Writing a five-page e-mail is basically giving him a long ass letter of recommendation that he can use as a reference for future dates, and you don’t want that. Instead, try something unorthodox such as: taking one of your friends out at two in the morning and fucking up his car. Jackass players will cross you off their list of potential dates, and the message will become clear to your ex: you shouldn’t have fucked with me!
3) (Ladies) Tell your girlfriends he’s gay.
As unconventional as this step might seem, believe it or not ladies, it actually works. It’s humiliating when someone cheats on you, and you don’t want to have to go through the heartbreak all over again as you explain to your girlfriends what happened. What’s more, chances are that if he cheated on you, he’s likely going to try to bang your best friend. To prevent him from moving on to his next victim, you HAVE to make him undateable. Telling everyone he’s a sore loser, and he’ll never find someone as good as you isn’t conducive to successfully making him undateable. You have to be creative. Say that you caught him in bed with another man, and after discovering his attraction to men, you realized why you two were having “relationship problems.” DO NOT, I repeat, DO NOT be bitter when stating this. It’ll become obvious that this is a total bullshit lie, and no one will believe you; however, if you speak calmly and maintain your composure, then your friends will be more likely to believe you. Remember: you’re saving your friends from making the mistake of dating this asshole, so in essence, you’re doing them a favor. After your girlfriends express their sympathy, (i.e. “Oh honey I am sorry to hear that. How awful …” etc.), tell them that everything is okay, and there’s no resentment between you two, even though there might be, and that it was probably just as hard for him to deal with his sexuality. Make it a point to your girlfriends that you’re one of the few people who know, and you don’t want them to say anything to him. This will surely make him undateable. He’ll be as unwanted as Tommy Lee’s STDs.
4) Go out and bang someone else!
There. I flat out said it. Be a ho! Get a little 50 shades. It’s time to get rid of those cob webs between your legs. (Gays . . . for some of you this might mean reinstalling Grindr on your iPhone.) No one ever told you, “I regret that orgasm.” There are plenty of people in the world, and you’ll never be as young as you are now, so don’t wait to have fun until you’re in a stale – I mean stable – relationship with someone at sixty years old when everything begins to hang like a slinky.
5) Once you’ve done all of the aforementioned things . . . go on a date.
Forget about being a monument to your ex-boyfriend. Let that disgusting old guy with lots of money take you out on a date. You have probably already been with a good-looking, young, broke guy while watching a Netflix movie on his laptop in his apartment, so try something different. Besides, I’m sure an older man will be more attentive to you, (considering the likelihood that he hasn’t been on a date in over thirty years.) Since you’re getting back into the dating scene, here are some helpful tips:
- Don’t forget to talk in a whispery, sultry voice. Men like that shit. You could say, “I have to go take a dump . . . I’ll be right back,” and, as long as you’re talking in that sexy voice, he would go nuts over you!
- (Ladies) Keep the boobies out. A man doesn’t want to see your “good” credit score, bachelor’s degree, or hear about the book club that you belong to. Half of what you say will go over his head, and then during the other half, while he’s listening to you, he’ll be thinking, “God damn her breasts look great!”
III. (Gays) Wear tight clothing that shows off that ripped chest and firm ass. Leave something for the imagination, without showing off too much, and keep him wondering what his money can get him.
Take these tips, and you’ll earn a second date. Think like Anna Nicole Smith, who married billionaire J. Howard Marshall II when he was eighty-nine years old: the more you entice him, the closer you’ll get to his bank account.
6) Acknowledge that you have been hurt and move on.
As the cliché goes: men are pigs. Fuck them (and not in the good way!)
You might have had a relationship with a boy who was shittier than the Parisian sewers so that you could appreciate, when the time comes, what a good man feels like. When you go through an experience, understanding why it’s happening can be difficult as you’re living it in the present moment. Recognizing its purpose is easier when you look back on it.
Some people come into your life as transient spiritual workers, then leave a tiny footprint on your heart as they walk on by, and you’re never the same. Others are like a thorn in your ass that you got from running into a rose bush. Either way everyone is a teacher.
On a final note, you have to let go of the fear of being hurt again so that you can start living the better life that you envisioned for yourself yesterday. If you don’t, then you’ll never get to the final chapters of your love story. Besides, you never know where you’ll meet a man who synchronizes with the rhythm of your soul, so keep an open heart. Who knows . . . he might just be on that subway you’re getting on tomorrow morning.