January 14th, 2015

By Austin B. Hahn

Dear Journal:

Recently, I deleted my Grindr app on my smartphone which means that I won’t be getting laid. I did it so I can focus on school . . . and avoid herpes for the time being. I don’t miss it that much. I got tired of hearing the same old line.

Mediocre-looking-gay-guy-on-Grindr: “Hey what’s up?”

Me: “My dick,” (as usual.)

Why do men think that’s an actual conversation starter? There are lots of things that are up: the sky, the number of ISIS recruits, Mariah Carey’s skirt, but NOT Obama’s approval rating. Come on guys. Be more specific.

I don’t think I have been more bored in my life. I get up, go to school, come home, and then I go to bed. Repeat. I currently live with my grandparents while I’m going to school, who have been so gracious to take me in, and I love them, but I get BORED after hearing the same dialogue over and over. I am not complaining, but how great it would be to hear something new from my grandmother every once in a while.

(As I walk in coming home from school.)

Grandma: “Hi, Austin. How was your day at school?”

Me: “Oh hey, Grandma. I had a ‘good’ day. How about yours?”

Grandma: “Well it was going good, but then it got INTERESTING.”

Me: “What happened?”

Grandma: “I just found out that my good friend, Sheryl, has syphilis. She’s 65. Looks like you’re never too old to be a slut after all.”

Now who wouldn’t want to hear such words of inspiration? It’s not every day that you hear your grandmother basically say that you’re never too old to kick up your heels and have fun . . . unless you start farting, then that’s when it’s time to put the lube away. I am a firm believer that with all the plastic surgery and technology in this day and age, anyone can be a slut no matter how old. It’s great! Maybe one day I’ll even get to be in a Preparation H commercial when I reach senior ho status.

(In black and white film. I am sitting on a stool. The camera zooms in.)

“Hi. I’m Austin Hahn. I have had more men inside me than a strip club, and I’m proud to say, at 62 years old, I’m still going at it which is why I use Preparation H . . . the #1 hemorrhoid cream. It comes in handy for old whores like me!”

If Betty White is still around when I’m 70, then she better look out. With my ass in town, it’ll be so hot in Cleveland, the heat radiating from the city will give the old people in Pennsylvania hot flashes.


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