January 5th, 2015

By Austin B. Hahn

Dear Journal:

I had a long, boring day, but it was alright. The only complaint I have was that I didn’t get any sleep due to an illness. I was altering back and forth from hot to cold faster than Jennifer Lopez changes with her boyfriends. I was trying to pinpoint the source of my illness, but I couldn’t find anything, so I blamed North Korea.

I don’t like math. The first-year college algebra textbook is huge! I told my mother, (we have a good relationship, and we talk), that I just took one look at it and went, “Well, if I was ever lost in a forest with this book and didn’t have toilet paper, I would know what to do.”

I LOVE my Pilates class. I could tell the instructor was great. She seems very sociable. Everyone wrote down what their fitness goals were, so I said, “To get sexy!” At the end of class we all sat down, and she was trying to figure out what to do. I thought, “I know! We could all share our goals with each other,” but then I realized that I didn’t want to explain myself saying, “I would love to feel confident enough about my body to walk in a fishnet at night on the streets of Portland and feel sexy by the end of the term. If any of you ever see me getting stopped by the police just tell them, ‘Hey! I know that guy. Leave him alone. He has worked hard and earned the right to show off that body. Besides, it’s casual Friday for him.’”

I was so depressed last night. I deleted my two previous journal entries, but then I ended up I rewriting them tonight. I was plagued by the thought of someone famous reading what I wrote about them, and then receiving an e-mail from their lawyer notifying me that I’m being sued. People just don’t have a sense of humor, especially celebrities, and we all know how much time they have on their hands. Even though I imagine that they would have something better to be doing with their time, such as paying the mortgage on their seventh house, they have a greater desire to litigate, apparently.

Joan Rivers had once made a comment about Adele, calling her “heavy”, and Adele’s lawyer contacted her asking for a written apology which is bullshit. Why are people so damn sensitive? Gee, Adele, what would you like people to say?

“Adele you’re not heavy . . . you’re just thinnly challenged”?

If you don’t like what a comedian says about you, then I’m sorry you can’t laugh at yourself. You’re in the wrong business if you think no one is going to say anything about you as a famous person.

Learn to laugh at yourself, as Joan Rivers once put it, because you might just be the biggest joke in the room.

If I can make jokes about myself, and laugh with people in moments when I look like a fool, then so can you.

Being politically correct has become part of our cultural paradigm, and it’s setting the stage for a litigious society, consequently. We must teach our children to relish in their flaws, idiosyncrasies, and to laugh at themselves, others, and at life or else everything will become grounds for a legal dispute.

DO WE WANT THAT KIND OF A FUTURE? I don’t think so . . .

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