Dear Delta: Drunk and Cofoosed (Parody)

By Austin B. Hahn

Delta Work: Delta, Delta, Delta, can I smell ya, smell ya, smell ya? Hi everyone. Welcome to Dear Delta. Each week I’ll be answering your questions about how to deal with issues concerning wealth, anal … retentive people, syphilis, taking selfies, dating, style, sluts, fingering, and how to use a douche without actually being one. Today’s question comes from Drunk and Cofoosed, I think she means confused, in California.

Dear Delta, 

After I came home from a party last night, I caught my best friend and my man sleeping together on my couch almost naked. I was mad, but I was too drunk to say anything. What should I do?

Sincerely, 

Drunk and Cofoosed in California

(Delta grabs a roll of tape labeled “Anti-skank Bitch.”)

Delta Work: I would say the first thing you should do is take some anti-skank bitch tape and wrap it around your best friend’s thighs because, let’s be honest, she probably banged your man. This will prevent her from ever opening up her legs again. That’s number one.

(Delta grabs a spray can labeled “Spray On Tramp.”)

Delta Work: The other thing I would do is spray her with some Spray On Tramp. It kills 99.9% of tramps. You can find it on eBay or anywhere online. It comes in handy whenever I’m dealing with bitches trying to get with my man.

(Latrice Royale steps in momentarily with a giant bottle labeled “Supa Ho.”)

Latrice Royale: And if that doesn’t work, then you can spray her with some oh-no-she’s-a-Supa-Ho!

Delta Work: The best thing you could do is dump that asshole and find somebody who treats you like the queen you are. If he cheated on you with your best friend, what’s stopping him from doing it again with someone else? There are an unlimited supply of hos out there, so burning your bridges with your best friend doesn’t mean that he’ll remain faithful to you.

Some people stay in bad relationships because they don’t think they’ll find somebody better or because they don’t like being single. If that’s the case, then at some point, you’re going to have to decide if you would rather be unhappy because you’re alone or because you’re in a relationship with someone who treats you like crap.

Going through a breakup can be hard, but watching a movie on a Saturday night while sitting next to someone who doesn’t appreciate you is worse when you could’ve been dancing at a club in a cocktail dress with someone fabulous.

Listen, Drunk and Confused in California, I hope this advice helps, and remember that sometimes the only way to get over somebody is to get under someone else.*

Until next time, Dear Delta is waiting for your questions.

*This line was inspired by a quote from Elizabeth Gilbert’s book, Eat, Pray, Love on page 189.

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