December 25th, 2015

By Austin B. Hahn

Dear Journal:

I have been a good ho, ho, ho this year, and the only thing I’m getting from Santa is the same thing I got last year: his big candy cane. I told him, “I don’t have an oral fixation. Do I look like Shakira to you?”

He said, “No but you’ve been a naughty boy!” which he tells me every year. What the fuck else is new though? I mean, I let him come down my chimney while he’s dressed like a fat ass hot tamale, but all he can do is just look down at me the same way the Pope looks down at an altar boy and say, “You’re on the naughty list, Austin.” Gee, really? No shit. Even my friends know how much of a ho I am. I was telling them one of my favorite holiday jokes:

“What’s the difference between Santa and Tiger Woods? Santa stops after three hos.”

They asked me, “Austin, how do you know?”

I replied, “I was the third one.”

I expect more from St. Nicholas this year since gay marriage is legal now, which means I can be a gold digger. Let me tell ya, the gold digging ideas have been flowing through my mind faster than the Ebola virus has been spreading through Africa. I know what I’ll do! Maybe I’ll take Santa’s credit card. It should be easy since his wife won’t be around.

Anyway, I wish you all a Merry Christmas and Happy Holidays!

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