Journal Entry #5

By Austin B. Hahn

I just read the most hilarious fitness quote ever!

“What you eat in private you wear in public.”

By that logic, Rosie O’Donnell should be wearing an M&M costume every day, and the hookers in Vegas should be dressed as a . . . well, you know.

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Amor Insincero

By Austin B. Hahn

Kind words

Polite gestures

Sparkling conversation

A smile that illuminates the room

Soft flickering candle lights

A warm, romantic ambience on this quiet night

Glass of wine halfway empty

Gourmet bread

Italian cuisine

Chocolate decadence

Elusive, intimate moments exchanged

Eyes of passion permeating one another

Carnal synchronicity requires few words

An empty glass of wine

The waiter brings the bill

Lips interlocked while standing alongside the curb waiting for a taxi

Staggering towards the edge of the stairs

Tossing and turning between the sheets

Lost in each other’s embrace

Falling asleep as the night begins to fade . . .

Waking up the next day to the rays of sunlight

You tell me, “I’ll text you later”

Emoticons, hearts, I miss you’s, bombastic messages

My efforts to see you again are met with ambiguity

Days go by

Weeks go by

Months go by

Your memory fades

Shame I spent the time of my life on you without asking for a receipt in case I wanted it back

Too busy pursuing one infatuation after another

To only be remembered by many as an insincere lover

Reminder to Self

By Austin B. Hahn

If someone is gossiping behind your back, don’t worry about it. A lie is like cotton candy; it tastes good for three seconds and then it’s gone, but the truth sticks like gum. In time, regardless of what anyone has said, people will realize the truth about you.

Ignore People Who Criticize You

By Austin B. Hahn

If there is anything I wish I could tell my eighteen-year-old self, it would be, “Don’t listen to people who criticize you.” Nothing will ever be good enough for them. You’ll only find yourself paying more attention to micromanaging every little action in your daily life to appease them instead of just living your life with people who already appreciate the person you are.

Start Treating Others Right, and the Earth’s Vibrations Will Change

From Austin B. Hahn

I know that this is just a post, but sometimes I wish people didn’t have to die so that others can realize the value of life. I’m crying right now, and my heart really does go out to Mexico and all those people who have lost someone they loved. 😢❤

Journal Entry #4

By Austin B. Hahn

Background story: On the show Fashion Police, Joan Rivers asked several guests, including Adam Lambert, what each of them would do if they could spend a day with her. I have been unable to find the clip on YouTube, but here is what I would do if I could spend a day with the Legendary comedian.*

Joan, if you were still alive, I would take you vitamin shopping because, you know, you can never have too many calcium supplements. Then I would take you to the cemetery where you could introduce me to your family. Next, I would resurrect your friends back from the dead and invite them over to play bunco with us at your house. Finally, we would watch reruns of the Golden Girls, and I would leave your house by seven o’clock so you could go to bed.

*Yes bitches. That “L” deserves to be capitalized.

Jealousy

By Austin B. Hahn

You never accomplished much of anything

Your lack of achievements are the result of you boasting about your so-called “glory” days of yesteryear

Daddy didn’t love you enough

Mommy didn’t appraise you enough

You were too dumb to be appreciative of what you did have anyway

You have a reputation for being as bitter as the apple cider you drank when you were prom queen

The stench of your nasty personality can be smelled further away than that football you threw at the championship game

Now you’re stuck making forty thousand dollars a year trying to support your children who you can’t stand because they robbed you of the life that you wanted to live

Meanwhile, you glare at the the TV screen, sitting on your ass as you eat, continuing to get fatter

You chug along through the daily grind, but you don’t care to experience much life outside of your mundane routine

As soon as you hear about someone else’s success, you’re quick to attribute it to an unscrupulous act

You would rather bring someone down than celebrate them

Don’t come shitting on my parade

Just because my life is well now, doesn’t mean it’s been a fairy tale

Even then, suffering is not a prerequisite for permission to live a good life

Because of bitches like you, I have to be vigilant

Like a parent watching their kid, I have to watch over my success to make sure that you don’t sabotage it

You’ve exhausted the time of your life by trying to take away the years of others

Funny how you look back, and you realize you’ve left nothing behind

No mark of yours to leave on the world

All you’ll ever be is forgotten

Journal Entry #3

By Austin B. Hahn

Here’s a list of Clickbait Headlines:

8 Black Guys the Kardashians Haven’t Slept With . . . Yet

Can’t Find a Public Restroom? 3 Alternatives That Might Come In Handy . . . (I Like #2. The Snapple bottle is a great idea.)

7 Signs That You’re More Full of Shit Than Jamie Lee Curtis in an Activia Commercial

Woman Shoves a Pineapple Up Her Ass. You Won’t Believe How Firefighters Got it Out.

Oprah Without Makeup at the Zoo is Mistaken For a Hippopotamus. You Won’t Believe What Zookeepers Did Next!

Senior Citizen Inspired to Tie Her Sagging Breasts Into a Knot After Watching Dog Balloon Animal Tutorial

Why Subway is Giving Their Too-Short Footlongs a Shot of Viagra

Incredible Video! Cat Hears the Word “Bath” and Runs Faster Than a Young Woman Running Away From Bill Cosby

How to Masturbate Underneath Your Desk at Work Without the Boss Noticing