Journal Entry #2

By Austin B. Hahn

I love gay men! They are so creative with sex, and they have such a fun attitude about it. Over the years, I have written several ads on Craigslist and on adventurous, but risqué sites such as Adam4Adam. As a tribute to the frivolity, vivacity, and wit of gay men, here are some of my attention-grabbing, yet-oh-so-hard-not-to-respond-to ads.

Adam4Adam:

Headline: Straight up whore!

Alright bitches, let’s be honest: this is Adam4Adam. It’s a hookup site, so l’m not going to deceive you into thinking that I’m looking for “love,” but if you are looking for a good fuck buddy, well then you might want to consider me as a gift from baby Jesus. Although you may not be religious, you might start calling out his name when you meet me. 😉 If you’re interested, hit me up.

Profession: Professional cock sucker

Craigslist (around Christmas time):

Headline: I’ve been a good ho, ho, ho

Dear Santa,

I’ve been very good this year, and I would like you to cum down my chimney, but if I’ve been too good, I can always be naughtier!

Craigslist:

Headline: Wanted: DICK

I have tried calling 1-800-Dick, and they were out. I even tried shopping at Dicks for Less, and they were out too. When I asked the clerk, she told me, “You could try Angie’s List, but she’s miss goody-two-shoes, so I would recommend Craig’s List. He’s a whore.”

Gentlemen, if you know where I could find some, I’m open to suggestions now.

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Free HIV and STD Testing for MSM

By Austin B. Hahn

In Washington state, the Department of Health funds confidential and free HIV and STD testing for men who have sex with men (MSM) with risk at Snohomish Health District. They are located at 3020 Rucker Avenue in Everett. Come to the 2nd floor, room 208, and use the black phone to call their program. 90-minute free parking on the street or dedicated lot behind their building by the blue awning. To schedule an appointment, call: (425) 339-5200.

Tips for Gay Men

By Austin B. Hahn

Dating and hooking up online in the gay world can be … well, scary, (especially when you meet a guy in person, and then he tells you that his profile picture was taken back in 2005.) I’ve had some frightening experiences as a gay man myself, and, over the years, here’s what I have learned about the dos and don’ts when meeting a guy for the first time whether it’s date night or just a fling:

Dos

  • Get to know him. That’s right. Take your time to get to know him before jumping in his pants, or else you might just get to know his crabs instead.
  • If you hook up at his place, leave your wallet in your pocket. Keep your wallet in your coat or pant pocket, and don’t make it accessible by leaving it out on a coffee table or a night stand. He could steal from you when you’re using his shower after hooking up or leaving the bedroom to go get a glass of water. Be vigilant.
  • Meet over coffee before hooking up or spending $$$ on a date.This saves you from getting into an uncomfortable situation in case you’re disappointed that his physical appearance doesn’t match his picture(s) online (or Grindr.) I cannot begin to tell you how many bitches are friends with Photo Shop. She must have more gay friends than Elizabeth Taylor and Judy Garland had combined!
  • Tell a friend where you’re going. Make sure you get a face picture and the address where you’re meeting him, and text them to a friend. If he ends up being a total psycho, and you go missing, you can be sure that his picture will be popular with the police, and if he’s really lucky … it will land up on the six o’clock news. *If he does not look like his online picture at all, GET OUT OF THERE!
  • When the time comes, talk to him about sex. Find out what his stance is on safe sex. You would be surprised to learn how many gay men don’t discuss this, and then when they get to the bedroom, one ends up wanting to bareback, and the other wants to use protection.

Dont’s

  • Depend on him for condoms and lube. You do not want to be the victim of stealthing. Stealthing occurs when someone uses deceptive methods to engage in unsafe sex without the other party’s knowledge. This can be done numerous ways: poking a hole in the condom with a pin, switching a condom out in the middle of sex for one with a cut off tip, or tempering with a condom by exposing it to extreme temperatures so it breaks down during anal intercourse. Bring your own condoms and lube to ensure your safety.
  • Engage in unprotected sex with someone you don’t know. Some guys lie about their sexual health. They don’t care about you; they just want to get off. Other times, someone who may have been recently infected with an STI or an STD may not even know it. Better to be safe than sorry.
  • Rely on him for transportation. Make sure that you have someone who can pick you up or that public transportation is still operating afteryour date or hookup is over. If he throws you out of his place or the date doesn’t go well, you won’t be stranded out in the middle of nowhere or walking for hours to get home.
  • Send him nudes. Unless you’re confident that you’ll never see him again, or he can’t ruin your career, don’t send him naked photos of yourself that he can use later to blackmail you.
  • Turn your face away from him during sex. If you’re not too familiar with the guy, stay in a position where you two can face each other. This way, you’re able to see what he’s doing, and he’ll be less likely to have a chance to take the condom off without you noticing.

Hooray for Love!

By Austin B. Hahn

(Originally written on 6/26/15.)

Dahlings!!! I have to write about this historic moment.

I am so happy that gay marriage has finally been legalized nationwide. Now I can be a gold digger.

No bitches.

Relax.

I’m kidding.

Hahahaha … yeah I think I’m pretty funny. Anyway–

I just wanted to say that I am so happy that, from now on, no child in the United States of America will ever grow up thinking that the validity of their love for another human being will be questioned. I am grateful to be alive during this remarkable period of ongoing social change in the world. What a treat. Here’s to transformation!

I’ll Be Thinking About You

By Austin B. Hahn

One of the saddest moments of my life was when I realized that I won’t be the one to love you. You’ll probably go off with another man. You’ll share your secrets with him, tell him all the things that I wanted to know about you, laugh with him, make memories with him that you’ll be able to look back on in a photo book when you’re old, and you’ll fall asleep in his arms at night instead of mine.

I wanted to know what was written in the pages of your heart’s diary. I wanted to be the one who wakes up with you in the morning as the sun rises. I wanted to be the one who you light up to when no one is around. I wanted to be the one in the pictures next to you. I’ll never get to know what loving you is like. I’ll just be thinking about you as my head lays on my pillow until I drift off.

All I wanted to do was love you