Tips for Gay Men

By Austin B. Hahn

Dating and hooking up online in the gay world can be … well, scary, (especially when you meet a guy in person, and then he tells you that his profile picture was taken back in 2005.) I’ve had some frightening experiences as a gay man myself, and, over the years, here’s what I have learned about the dos and don’ts when meeting a guy for the first time whether it’s date night or just a fling:

Dos

  • Get to know him. That’s right. Take your time to get to know him before jumping in his pants, or else you might just get to know his crabs instead.
  • If you hook up at his place, leave your wallet in your pocket. Keep your wallet in your coat or pant pocket, and don’t make it accessible by leaving it out on a coffee table or a night stand. He could steal from you when you’re using his shower after hooking up or leaving the bedroom to go get a glass of water. Be vigilant.
  • Meet over coffee before hooking up or spending $$$ on a date.This saves you from getting into an uncomfortable situation in case you’re disappointed that his physical appearance doesn’t match his picture(s) online (or Grindr.) I cannot begin to tell you how many bitches are friends with Photo Shop. She must have more gay friends than Elizabeth Taylor and Judy Garland had combined!
  • Tell a friend where you’re going. Make sure you get a face picture and the address where you’re meeting him, and text them to a friend. If he ends up being a total psycho, and you go missing, you can be sure that his picture will be popular with the police, and if he’s really lucky … it will land up on the six o’clock news. *If he does not look like his online picture at all, GET OUT OF THERE!
  • When the time comes, talk to him about sex. Find out what his stance is on safe sex. You would be surprised to learn how many gay men don’t discuss this, and then when they get to the bedroom, one ends up wanting to bareback, and the other wants to use protection.

Dont’s

  • Depend on him for condoms and lube. You do not want to be the victim of stealthing. Stealthing occurs when someone uses deceptive methods to engage in unsafe sex without the other party’s knowledge. This can be done numerous ways: poking a hole in the condom with a pin, switching a condom out in the middle of sex for one with a cut off tip, or tempering with a condom by exposing it to extreme temperatures so it breaks down during anal intercourse. Bring your own condoms and lube to ensure your safety.
  • Engage in unprotected sex with someone you don’t know. Some guys lie about their sexual health. They don’t care about you; they just want to get off. Other times, someone who may have been recently infected with an STI or an STD may not even know it. Better to be safe than sorry.
  • Rely on him for transportation. Make sure that you have someone who can pick you up or that public transportation is still operating afteryour date or hookup is over. If he throws you out of his place or the date doesn’t go well, you won’t be stranded out in the middle of nowhere or walking for hours to get home.
  • Send him nudes. Unless you’re confident that you’ll never see him again, or he can’t ruin your career, don’t send him naked photos of yourself that he can use later to blackmail you.
  • Turn your face away from him during sex. If you’re not too familiar with the guy, stay in a position where you two can face each other. This way, you’re able to see what he’s doing, and he’ll be less likely to have a chance to take the condom off without you noticing.
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January 14th, 2015

By Austin B. Hahn

Dear Journal:

Recently, I deleted my Grindr app on my smartphone which means that I won’t be getting laid. I did it so I can focus on school . . . and avoid herpes for the time being. I don’t miss it that much. I got tired of hearing the same old line.

Mediocre-looking-gay-guy-on-Grindr: “Hey what’s up?”

Me: “My dick,” (as usual.)

Why do men think that’s an actual conversation starter? There are lots of things that are up: the sky, the number of ISIS recruits, Mariah Carey’s skirt, but NOT Obama’s approval rating. Come on guys. Be more specific.

I don’t think I have been more bored in my life. I get up, go to school, come home, and then I go to bed. Repeat. I currently live with my grandparents while I’m going to school, who have been so gracious to take me in, and I love them, but I get BORED after hearing the same dialogue over and over. I am not complaining, but how great it would be to hear something new from my grandmother every once in a while.

(As I walk in coming home from school.)

Grandma: “Hi, Austin. How was your day at school?”

Me: “Oh hey, Grandma. I had a ‘good’ day. How about yours?”

Grandma: “Well it was going good, but then it got INTERESTING.”

Me: “What happened?”

Grandma: “I just found out that my good friend, Sheryl, has syphilis. She’s 65. Looks like you’re never too old to be a slut after all.”

Now who wouldn’t want to hear such words of inspiration? It’s not every day that you hear your grandmother basically say that you’re never too old to kick up your heels and have fun . . . unless you start farting, then that’s when it’s time to put the lube away. I am a firm believer that with all the plastic surgery and technology in this day and age, anyone can be a slut no matter how old. It’s great! Maybe one day I’ll even get to be in a Preparation H commercial when I reach senior ho status.

(In black and white film. I am sitting on a stool. The camera zooms in.)

“Hi. I’m Austin Hahn. I have had more men inside me than a strip club, and I’m proud to say, at 62 years old, I’m still going at it which is why I use Preparation H . . . the #1 hemorrhoid cream. It comes in handy for old whores like me!”

If Betty White is still around when I’m 70, then she better look out. With my ass in town, it’ll be so hot in Cleveland, the heat radiating from the city will give the old people in Pennsylvania hot flashes.