Journal Entry #3

By Austin B. Hahn

Here’s a list of Clickbait Headlines:

8 Black Guys the Kardashians Haven’t Slept With . . . Yet

Can’t Find a Public Restroom? 3 Alternatives That Might Come In Handy . . . (I Like #2. The Snapple bottle is a great idea.)

7 Signs That You’re More Full of Shit Than Jamie Lee Curtis in an Activia Commercial

Woman Shoves a Pineapple Up Her Ass. You Won’t Believe How Firefighters Got it Out.

Oprah Without Makeup at the Zoo is Mistaken For a Hippopotamus. You Won’t Believe What Zookeepers Did Next!

Senior Citizen Inspired to Tie Her Sagging Breasts Into a Knot After Watching Dog Balloon Animal Tutorial

Why Subway is Giving Their Too-Short Footlongs a Shot of Viagra

Incredible Video! Cat Hears the Word “Bath” and Runs Faster Than a Young Woman Running Away From Bill Cosby

How to Masturbate Underneath Your Desk at Work Without the Boss Noticing

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Journal Entry #2

By Austin B. Hahn

I love gay men! They are so creative with sex, and they have such a fun attitude about it. Over the years, I have written several ads on Craigslist and on adventurous, but risqué sites such as Adam4Adam. As a tribute to the frivolity, vivacity, and wit of gay men, here are some of my attention-grabbing, yet-oh-so-hard-not-to-respond-to ads.

Adam4Adam:

Headline: Straight up whore!

Alright bitches, let’s be honest: this is Adam4Adam. It’s a hookup site, so l’m not going to deceive you into thinking that I’m looking for “love,” but if you are looking for a good fuck buddy, well then you might want to consider me as a gift from baby Jesus. Although you may not be religious, you might start calling out his name when you meet me. 😉 If you’re interested, hit me up.

Profession: Professional cock sucker

Craigslist (around Christmas time):

Headline: I’ve been a good ho, ho, ho

Dear Santa,

I’ve been very good this year, and I would like you to cum down my chimney, but if I’ve been too good, I can always be naughtier!

Craigslist:

Headline: Wanted: DICK

I have tried calling 1-800-Dick, and they were out. I even tried shopping at Dicks for Less, and they were out too. When I asked the clerk, she told me, “You could try Angie’s List, but she’s miss goody-two-shoes, so I would recommend Craig’s List. He’s a whore.”

Gentlemen, if you know where I could find some, I’m open to suggestions now.

Journal Entry #1

By Austin B. Hahn

Dear Journal:

What a let down the New Year’s party was! I swear, it made the Stepford Wives look entertaining. Everyone was sitting around, being quiet, or talking about how their tuna casserole that they made the other day didn’t turn out right. Half the time I just wanted to turn around and say, “You won’t believe what happened yesterday! I thought I had some money in my wallet, and when the pizza delivery guy showed up, I realized I couldn’t pay him, so I just gave him a blowjob instead which is basically the same thing as cash. If not, even better, right?”

I looked around, and people seemed as if they were anxiously waiting for something good to happen. My friend, who was sitting next to me, mumbled, “Dude! This is the lamest party I have ever been to man,” so I finally stood up on the couch and yelled out, “Who wants to put a grape in my ass for $20!?”

My friend, like a teenager, almost died of embarrassment. His face looked more red than the Kool-Aid mascot. I didn’t honestly think there were going to be any takers, but to my surprise, the universe responded.

A young twenty-something girl perked up and said, “Got $20 right here!” She looked like an Ugly Betty impersonator who could’ve made an appearance on Glee.

“Alright! Let’s do this!” I said enthusiastically. We headed downstairs to the bathroom with two other people closely following behind. “Who the hell are they?” I asked.

“These are my friends Seth and Katelyn. I’m Suzie by the way.”

“Hi! Nice to meet you, Suzie. I’m Austin, but you can just call me Whore.”

Suzie giggled and proved to be a very sweet girl. Luckily, her friends were just as nice. However, I couldn’t help but notice Katelyn’s behavior …

“She’s blind, so she has to be with me at all times,” Suzie informed me.

“Oh okay, but what’s Seth doing here?”

“He wants to watch,” which I didn’t mind, except Seth didn’t look like God had loved him enough to give him a nose.

As I looked around, I thought to myself:

How the hell did I end up in this tiny bathroom with No-Nose, Helen Keller, and a nymphomaniac who’s willing to pay me $20 to put a grape in my ass?

Then I remembered: I put myself in this situation.

To my disappointment, just as I was about to take the $20 bill, she chickened out on me.

Later that night, as my friend and I were heading back home, he turned to me and said, “Man, you’re crazy. I can’t believe you did that.”

I told him, “Oh believe me. That was nothing. If you were to see me walking down the streets of Seattle in latex with my leather daddy, you’d realize every night is what I like to call ‘casual Friday’ for me.”

#MySeniorCitizenGoals

By Austin B. Hahn

I’ve decided that when I retire, I want to be a phone sex operator. How great would that be? Just imagine all the conversations you could have with a seventy-five-year-old man on the other line.

*The phone rings.

27-year-old guy who can’t get laid: Hey there … how’s a goin’?

Me: Pretty good. Me teeth just fell out of my mouth.

*Hangs up.

*The phone rings again.

30-year-old Virgin Mary calls.

Excuse me … what’s the best part about sex when you get older?

Me: No teeth. Well … at least that’s what my husband tells me.

*Hangs up.

*The phone rings once more.

38-year-old nymphomaniac: Hey stud … what’s getting you hot?

Me: Well, for starters  …  the tightness of my pantyhose is definitely giving me a heat rash!

*Hangs up.

Me: Okay. That’s all for today. Time to take a nap.