Journal Entry #4

By Austin B. Hahn

Background story: On the show Fashion Police, Joan Rivers asked several guests, including Adam Lambert, what each of them would do if they could spend a day with her. I have been unable to find the clip on YouTube, but here is what I would do if I could spend a day with the Legendary comedian.*

Joan, if you were still alive, I would take you vitamin shopping because, you know, you can never have too many calcium supplements. Then I would take you to the cemetery where you could introduce me to your family. Next, I would resurrect your friends back from the dead and invite them over to play bunco with us at your house. Finally, we would watch reruns of the Golden Girls, and I would leave your house by seven o’clock so you could go to bed.

*Yes bitches. That “L” deserves to be capitalized.

December 25th, 2015

By Austin B. Hahn

Dear Journal:

I have been a good ho, ho, ho this year, and the only thing I’m getting from Santa is the same thing I got last year: his big candy cane. I told him, “I don’t have an oral fixation. Do I look like Shakira to you?”

He said, “No but you’ve been a naughty boy!” which he tells me every year. What the fuck else is new though? I mean, I let him come down my chimney while he’s dressed like a fat ass hot tamale, but all he can do is just look down at me the same way the Pope looks down at an altar boy and say, “You’re on the naughty list, Austin.” Gee, really? No shit. Even my friends know how much of a ho I am. I was telling them one of my favorite holiday jokes:

“What’s the difference between Santa and Tiger Woods? Santa stops after three hos.”

They asked me, “Austin, how do you know?”

I replied, “I was the third one.”

I expect more from St. Nicholas this year since gay marriage is legal now, which means I can be a gold digger. Let me tell ya, the gold digging ideas have been flowing through my mind faster than the Ebola virus has been spreading through Africa. I know what I’ll do! Maybe I’ll take Santa’s credit card. It should be easy since his wife won’t be around.

Anyway, I wish you all a Merry Christmas and Happy Holidays!

December 12th, 2015

By Austin B. Hahn

Dear Journal:

What a shame! There are no scholarships for sluts. I am disappointed. Most of them want community service or they want to know how am I going to help the world. Unfortunately, I don’t think an answer such as “giving one lap dance at a time contributes to world peace” would suffice. I’m kidding. Besides, none of them give a shit to ask me how am I going to contribute to the world. They would rather have me talk about something “special” I have done or what makes me “amazing.” Why the fuck do I have to be amazing or unique though? It’s not my fault that I wasn’t born a six foot tall half Brazilian half Jamaican athlete who was brought up multilingual.

I find that most scholarships are filled with pretentious, bullshit questions anyway. How does my knowledge on literature in the 17th century relate to my qualifications for financial aid? I’m not looking to prove that I’m a super intellectual human being; I want to talk about how I’m a fucking caring person. I want to help people. I’d like to see people not worrying about the cost of healthcare. I would love for my people, here in the United States, to take paid vacation days and holidays, along with paid sick days, so they can spend time with their families or get well if needed. I want to see people enjoying their life.

Scholarships put too much emphasis on achievement and not enough on personal motives. If someone hasn’t been given the opportunity to prove themselves, or more importantly, if they come from a culture that doesn’t place high importance on personal accomplishments, then how can anyone expect them to have a long ass list of what they’ve done and succeeded in?

The intention of scholarships are great, but their eligibility requirements suck. As long as individual success, an extensive work history, or even worse, exotic features that a person was just born with remain a prerequisite, they will only be available to a limited population. People who have had little or no work experience because they’ve lived in areas where there are few job opportunities, and those who have had one life crisis after another, will be ignored.

Instead of scholarship sponsors asking people to write about what goals they have achieved or how many hours they work at their part-time job, maybe they should ask them about their motivation to gauge whose education would be a worthwhile financial investment. What life experience(s) has prompted them to pursuit their major? How are they going to try to benefit society? Do they have a long-term plan, and, if so, what is it? I can answer all of these questions, but I haven’t had the chance to write them down on a fucking scholarship application because no one has asked me. My boring cultural origins, employment status, and lack of athletic accomplishments are more relevant than what I would like to do for my country.

July 18th, 2015

By Austin B. Hahn

Dear Journal:

Fuck the gym! I decided to skip it and have sweets for dinner. Marie Antoinette once said, “Let them eat cake,” so I did. Besides, why am I staying in shape . . . so I can get good dick? Ha! I’m afraid that’s about as scarce as a good politician in this country. I’m so fuckin’ tired of looking good and some tired-ass-old bozo messages me on Grindr. Sometimes I don’t understand men. They want a hot piece of ass, but some of them don’t even have a good dick, so they try to compensate for it by driving a big truck.

The ones who really piss me off are the hypocrites. They’re the ones who want someone good-looking, but they themselves look like shit. When some guys message me, I just want to reply, “Have you ever thought about asking yourself this: would you fuck you? If the answer is no, then please do not send me a message, or come back to me after you’ve been consistently going to the gym three to four times a week for about a month and a half.”

This one goes to any woman who is reading this right now: raise your sexpectations! Do not let Tubby McTubbertin be your bare minimum standard of what a man should look like to you. Men are not supposed to have phantom babies. Ladies, you shave your legs, wear makeup, wax your pussies, and you don’t complain. The least he can do is go to the fuckin’ gym, and if he has money, then he can afford to fix himself up.

Anyway, I’m not done complaining.

I was recently at a wedding, which was awful to say the least. No one there was polite enough to ask, “Hey, Austin, so tell me your story about how you fingered someone in a taxi cab?” so, while I was there, I never once said, “Gee, thank you for asking.” My conversations didn’t expand beyond the dull question, “How are you?” which I can’t stand, along with several other phrases:

“I’m (nationality). I have a hot temper.”

Why do some people use their ancestry or nationality as an excuse to justify their bitchy behavior? “Oh I’m Irish,” or, “I’m Italian,” or, “I’m Cuban, and when the Cuban gets angry . . .” Hey guess what? I’m a human being, and I don’t give a fuck.

“Bless you.”

How come some people can say to a complete stranger, “Bless you,” but they can’t stick up for someone they don’t know who’s being physically attacked? This colloquialism exposes how insincere the English language is. Bless me? For what? Because I sneezed? It doesn’t make sense. In Spanish they say, “salud,” which, directly translated, means “health.” That makes sense. You’re sneezing. Maybe you have a cold. Maybe you’re falling ill. Who knows? The point is it makes more sense. I’m amazed that people can tell me, “Bless you,” for doing something as frivolous as sneezing, but when I volunteer at a foodbank, I’ll be lucky if anyone even says, “Bye and thanks for your time.”


This word has probably been used more than condoms. “Sorry” has become a social norm to use in everyday conversation in U.S. American culture, but no one means it! “Sorry, sorry, sorry!” Bitch, what are you sorry for? There’s even a game called “Sorry!” It’s ridiculous. People in the United States apologize for slamming the door, interrupting someone during a phone conversation, farting in public, belching at the dinner table, and the list goes on. The proper response, in these contexts, would be, “Excuse me.” On the contrary, if they were to get into a dispute with someone, the majority of them would be reluctant to apologize and say, “I was wrong,” because their egos are more important to them. This commonly, overused word also shows how superficial the English language is.

“Live every day as if it were your last.”

I cannot begin to recall how many divorced bitches I have seen who have an expression, such as this one, hanging up on a wall somewhere in their home. I can find the same quote on multiple Facebook and Instagram pages, “Live, Laugh, Love”, for instance, which I find funny because it’s usually posted by people who don’t do any of those things in actual life. What’s more, if everyone were to live each day as if it were their last, the world would be crazy. Would you want to see me twerking my fat ass on top of a table at McDonald’s or getting fucked by a sexy mailman in public? Don’t you tell me you would! Unless you’re a voyeuristic whore, you wouldn’t like to see what I do on casual Friday.

“Have a good one.”

What am I supposed to have that’s good??? A blowjob? A drink? A vacation? Be more specific. If you want to wish me a good day, a nice weekend, or a wonderful vacation, then say so.

“I’m good.”

When I ask someone, “How are you?” I want to know how that person is feeling. Being vague by saying, “I’m good,” tells me absolutely nothing. What is “good” to you? For some, “good” means they’re feeling happy while for others it means they’re as high as the Eiffel Tower. I understand there are certain social situations that require discretion, but if I’m asking how you’re doing, it’s because you’re a friend or a family member, and I care. I don’t ask people I don’t know how they’re feeling, which brings me to my final thoughts . . .

I’m not a car salesman or a pretentious asshole . . . well, at least I try not to be. Since I’m not getting paid to kiss anyone’s ass, I’m not going to pretend to be interested in somebody for the sake of small talk. I’m a passionate person, and I don’t appreciate false statements of well-being. With the exception of detached professionalism and avoiding disclosure in the business world, don’t come to me with your bullshit asking, “How are you?” when you don’t care. It’s annoying, and people rarely like to feel as if they’re talking to a robot. Connect with people by asking something genuine instead, and open yourself up.

We only scratch the surface in artificial conversations. When we share ourselves and we’re receptive to others through listening using non-judgmental body language, we create opportunities to form relationships with people we might’ve been looking for our whole lives. You could be talking with the love of your life, your best friend, your business partner who helps launch your career, or you might learn something from someone you wished you would’ve learned years ago. Take risks in communication. Approach someone with more depth than just, “Hi. How are you?” and you will discover how the power of your everyday communication affects your life.

You Don’t Have to Have a Dick to Be Funny

By Austin B. Hahn

To people who say female comics aren’t funny: fuck off!

Wanda Sykes, Kathy Griffin, Margaret Cho, Joan Rivers, and Amy Schumer are some of the funniest comedians I know of, and they were the ones who got me interested in comedy.

If you haven’t seen them, go check them out on YouTube.

February 27th, 2015

By Austin B. Hahn

Dear Journal:

My grandmother told me that she heard on the news that Portland has one of the highest rates of syphilis among men. I feel enlightened! I am pro-whore just as I am pro-gay marriage. Gays should be able to get married, and whores should be able to get custody of their STDs. I love democracy. Freedom and equality for everyone!

February 19th, 2015

By Austin B. Hahn

Dear Journal:

I hate being tired. No one wants to fuck me when I look like Frankenstein. I’m also wearing glasses since I can’t put in contacts when I’m tired, so this just makes me all the more unfuckable. Seriously! Who wants to bang someone in glasses??? No one ever said, “Hey look it’s Mr. Four Eyes. I’m going to go stick my hand in his pocket. Do you think he’s got a library card?”

Today is just not my day.

February 1st, 2015

By Austin B. Hahn

Dear Journal:

Here’s food for thought: If a single teacher can’t teach all the subjects, then how could you expect a single student to learn all the subjects?

I love the Internet! I find all kinds of great, intellectually stimulating quotes that challenge institutions and norms.

Speaking of which, I’ve been thinking a lot about my 17 years as a student in the education system. (I’ve been going to school since 1998!) I just can’t shake something: how is it that although prominent psychologists, such as Howard Gardner and Robert Sternberg, have argued that people possess different types of intelligence, and despite that “we all possess different intellectual strengths and weaknesses,” we’re all taught the same way and expected to learn every subject (Lilienfeld et al. 326-28)?

We all have different abilities. For example, some people are quick on their feet such as Serena Williams. Others are quick on their knees like Monica Lewinsky.

Furthermore, why do we still sit down in a classroom to listen to someone talk for 2 to 4 hours, be quiet, then go home or to work and pretend that we absorbed everything that the instructor talked about? While this method of teaching may work for auditory learners, not everyone processes information the same way.

I’ve said it once before, and I’ll say it again: the education system needs to be revamped! It’s about as old as Betty White’s vagina. The only change I have  seen is that students can take courses online. Come on, though. You didn’t see Elizabeth Taylor at 75 wearing a bikini with her tits hanging out. She knew that after so many years it was time to put them away, so why can’t we do the same with our outdated education practices?


Lilienfeld, Scott O., et al. Psychology: From Inquiry to Understanding. 2nd ed. Vol. 2. Upper Saddle River: Pearson Education, Inc., 2014. Print.

January 23rd, 2015

By Austin B. Hahn

Dear Journal:

Material things create clutter and take up space. I understand that they can be beautiful and comforting, but what’s one person doing in a 22,000 sq. foot home with a grand piano they don’t play and a chandelier of dildos that they are never going to touch? I went to Good Will the other day to donate some of my clothes that I hardly ever wore, (they were too small anyway), and it felt so GOOD to get rid of crap that I won’t need. I felt lighter, freer, and happier. I have gotten rid of a lot over the past six months. I have more space in my room to fuck someone now. (Proud ho!) Whenever I get stuck trying to decide whether I should keep something or not, I ask myself: what’s the purpose of this and is it going to bring me joy? If I can’t stick my dick in it or shove it up my ass, then it’s useless to me.

January 19th, 2015

By Austin B. Hahn

Dear Journal:

I am so pissed off! I have had four days to do my math, and I am still not done. Our instructor told us during the first week of class that we would have to work 10-15 hours each week on math outside of class. Uuummm? What the fuck??? Do you think that I just sit on my ass and masturbate all day? (Okay, I’ll admit that masturbating is probably one of my favorite hobbies that consumes a significant portion of my leisure time), but I still have a fucking life, though. I understand the importance of education and that hours of practice and training are required in order to hone your skills, but this shouldn’t be consuming my life. I don’t live to go to school. I go to school to acquire skills with the hope that one day I will be able to contribute to society. However, I’m convinced that I’m not acquiring those skills. I want to be a politician one day, (which I will discuss later), so how is math relevant to my career field? Oh boy . . . and if I hear one more smart ass remark such as, “You use math everyday,” I am going to go crazier than Bobby Brown on cocaine. I’d rather put a cork in my ass than hear that cliché. “Okay. Tell me. How often do you think I use college level algebra and trigonometry in my daily life?” I rest my case. I am spending HOURS of my life that I won’t ever get back. In addition, considering the fact that I’m not going to use algebra again after I fulfill my math credit requirement, I should be getting paid to take this class because there’s no reason for me to take it. The education system is wasting my time.

I’m quite perturbed by the system’s lack of awareness about how much time and money it robs from today’s youth.

What’s more, if I could buy Kim Kardashian and Kris Humphries an hour of marriage for every time I heard the line, “Well, that’s just the way it is,” or, “That’s how the education system is set up,” they would still be married.

The continuation of rotten institutions and outdated systems that no longer serve society are a result of the bandwagon effect.

No one is willing to step up and change the structure of the education system. One could come up with a thousand theories as to why no reform has been made, but that’s not the point.

People my age are graduating with insurmountable debt — nearly $30,000 dollars or more — and they’re entering the job market with skills that employers are not looking for (Bidwell). To any pessimist reading this: I challenge you to find an article that cites test taking as a skill that employers are looking for.

In addition, what angers me even more is that although I will forget almost everything that I studied in algebra and trigonometry a year later, I’m still required to enroll in the course.

While I am aware of the lack of opportunities and education to millions of people in other countries throughout the world, I also advocate for educational reform in the United States. Graduates with bachelor degrees will be unequipped to enter the global market if they’re required to enroll in a broad curriculum and to take courses unrelated to their career paths. I know as a U.S. American that students spend twelve years attending school so they can graduate from high school, then another two years in college getting their general education credits out of the way, and then during the last two years they can finally focus solely on preparing for their jobs. A reform enabling students to spend more time on developing their professional skills and to engage in occupational work experience outside of a classroom must be made. If the U.S. does not implement change, our means of teaching today’s youth will become tomorrow’s joke.

*Please note that MLA citations cannot be properly formatted on a WordPress post.

Work Cited

Bidwell, Allie. “Average Student Loan Debt Approaches $30,000.” U.S. News and World Report. 13 Nov. 2014. Web. 19 Jan. 2015.