December 12th, 2015

By Austin B. Hahn

Dear Journal:

What a shame! There are no scholarships for sluts. I am disappointed. Most of them want community service or they want to know how am I going to help the world. Unfortunately, I don’t think an answer such as “giving one lap dance at a time contributes to world peace” would suffice. I’m kidding. Besides, none of them give a shit to ask me how am I going to contribute to the world. They would rather have me talk about something “special” I have done or what makes me “amazing.” Why the fuck do I have to be amazing or unique though? It’s not my fault that I wasn’t born a six foot tall half Brazilian half Jamaican athlete who was brought up multilingual.

I find that most scholarships are filled with pretentious, bullshit questions anyway. How does my knowledge on literature in the 17th century relate to my qualifications for financial aid? I’m not looking to prove that I’m a super intellectual human being; I want to talk about how I’m a fucking caring person. I want to help people. I’d like to see people not worrying about the cost of healthcare. I would love for my people, here in the United States, to take paid vacation days and holidays, along with paid sick days, so they can spend time with their families or get well if needed. I want to see people enjoying their life.

Scholarships put too much emphasis on achievement and not enough on personal motives. If someone hasn’t been given the opportunity to prove themselves, or more importantly, if they come from a culture that doesn’t place high importance on personal accomplishments, then how can anyone expect them to have a long ass list of what they’ve done and succeeded in?

The intention of scholarships are great, but their eligibility requirements suck. As long as individual success, an extensive work history, or even worse, exotic features that a person was just born with remain a prerequisite, they will only be available to a limited population. People who have had little or no work experience because they’ve lived in areas where there are few job opportunities, and those who have had one life crisis after another, will be ignored.

Instead of scholarship sponsors asking people to write about what goals they have achieved or how many hours they work at their part-time job, maybe they should ask them about their motivation to gauge whose education would be a worthwhile financial investment. What life experience(s) has prompted them to pursuit their major? How are they going to try to benefit society? Do they have a long-term plan, and, if so, what is it? I can answer all of these questions, but I haven’t had the chance to write them down on a fucking scholarship application because no one has asked me. My boring cultural origins, employment status, and lack of athletic accomplishments are more relevant than what I would like to do for my country.

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