“The worst mistake you can make is being afraid to make one.”
–The Internet
Commentary by Austin B. Hahn
Just make sure the price for making that mistake isn’t more than what you can afford to pay for.
Journal Entry #4
By Austin B. Hahn
Background story: On the show Fashion Police, Joan Rivers asked several guests, including Adam Lambert, what each of them would do if they could spend a day with her. I have been unable to find the clip on YouTube, but here is what I would do if I could spend a day with the Legendary comedian.*
Joan, if you were still alive, I would take you vitamin shopping because, you know, you can never have too many calcium supplements. Then I would take you to the cemetery where you could introduce me to your family. Next, I would resurrect your friends back from the dead and invite them over to play bunco with us at your house. Finally, we would watch reruns of the Golden Girls, and I would leave your house by seven o’clock so you could go to bed.
*Yes bitches. That “L” deserves to be capitalized.
Jealousy
By Austin B. Hahn
You never accomplished much of anything
Your lack of achievements are the result of you boasting about your so-called “glory” days of yesteryear
Daddy didn’t love you enough
Mommy didn’t appraise you enough
You were too dumb to be appreciative of what you did have anyway
You have a reputation for being as bitter as the apple cider you drank when you were prom queen
The stench of your nasty personality can be smelled further away than that football you threw at the championship game
Now you’re stuck making forty thousand dollars a year trying to support your children who you can’t stand because they robbed you of the life that you wanted to live
Meanwhile, you glare at the the TV screen, sitting on your ass as you eat, continuing to get fatter
You chug along through the daily grind, but you don’t care to experience much life outside of your mundane routine
As soon as you hear about someone else’s success, you’re quick to attribute it to an unscrupulous act
You would rather bring someone down than celebrate them
Don’t come shitting on my parade
Just because my life is well now, doesn’t mean it’s been a fairy tale
Even then, suffering is not a prerequisite for permission to live a good life
Because of bitches like you, I have to be vigilant
Like a parent watching their kid, I have to watch over my success to make sure that you don’t sabotage it
You’ve exhausted the time of your life by trying to take away the years of others
Funny how you look back, and you realize you’ve left nothing behind
No mark of yours to leave on the world
All you’ll ever be is forgotten
Feelin’ Too Damn Good
By Austin B. Hahn
An inflamed ego hurts.
There’s no drug to soothe it.
There’s no ointment to cool it.
There’s no treatment to numb it.
The only remedy is time.
Journal Entry #3
By Austin B. Hahn
Here’s a list of Clickbait Headlines:
8 Black Guys the Kardashians Haven’t Slept With . . . Yet
Can’t Find a Public Restroom? 3 Alternatives That Might Come In Handy . . . (I Like #2. The Snapple bottle is a great idea.)
7 Signs That You’re More Full of Shit Than Jamie Lee Curtis in an Activia Commercial
Woman Shoves a Pineapple Up Her Ass. You Won’t Believe How Firefighters Got it Out.
Oprah Without Makeup at the Zoo is Mistaken For a Hippopotamus. You Won’t Believe What Zookeepers Did Next!
Senior Citizen Inspired to Tie Her Sagging Breasts Into a Knot After Watching Dog Balloon Animal Tutorial
Why Subway is Giving Their Too-Short Footlongs a Shot of Viagra
Incredible Video! Cat Hears the Word “Bath” and Runs Faster Than a Young Woman Running Away From Bill Cosby
How to Masturbate Underneath Your Desk at Work Without the Boss Noticing
Journal Entry #2
By Austin B. Hahn
I love gay men! They are so creative with sex, and they have such a fun attitude about it. Over the years, I have written several ads on Craigslist and on adventurous, but risqué sites such as Adam4Adam. As a tribute to the frivolity, vivacity, and wit of gay men, here are some of my attention-grabbing, yet-oh-so-hard-not-to-respond-to ads.
Adam4Adam:
Headline: Straight up whore!
Alright bitches, let’s be honest: this is Adam4Adam. It’s a hookup site, so l’m not going to deceive you into thinking that I’m looking for “love,” but if you are looking for a good fuck buddy, well then you might want to consider me as a gift from baby Jesus. Although you may not be religious, you might start calling out his name when you meet me. 😉 If you’re interested, hit me up.
Profession: Professional cock sucker
Craigslist (around Christmas time):
Headline: I’ve been a good ho, ho, ho
Dear Santa,
I’ve been very good this year, and I would like you to cum down my chimney, but if I’ve been too good, I can always be naughtier!
Craigslist:
Headline: Wanted: DICK
I have tried calling 1-800-Dick, and they were out. I even tried shopping at Dicks for Less, and they were out too. When I asked the clerk, she told me, “You could try Angie’s List, but she’s miss goody-two-shoes, so I would recommend Craig’s List. He’s a whore.”
Gentlemen, if you know where I could find some, I’m open to suggestions now.
Journal Entry #1
By Austin B. Hahn
Dear Journal:
What a let down the New Year’s party was! I swear, it made the Stepford Wives look entertaining. Everyone was sitting around, being quiet, or talking about how their tuna casserole that they made the other day didn’t turn out right. Half the time I just wanted to turn around and say, “You won’t believe what happened yesterday! I thought I had some money in my wallet, and when the pizza delivery guy showed up, I realized I couldn’t pay him, so I just gave him a blowjob instead which is basically the same thing as cash. If not, even better, right?”
I looked around, and people seemed as if they were anxiously waiting for something good to happen. My friend, who was sitting next to me, mumbled, “Dude! This is the lamest party I have ever been to man,” so I finally stood up on the couch and yelled out, “Who wants to put a grape in my ass for $20!?”
My friend, like a teenager, almost died of embarrassment. His face looked more red than the Kool-Aid mascot. I didn’t honestly think there were going to be any takers, but to my surprise, the universe responded.
A young twenty-something girl perked up and said, “Got $20 right here!” She looked like an Ugly Betty impersonator who could’ve made an appearance on Glee.
“Alright! Let’s do this!” I said enthusiastically. We headed downstairs to the bathroom with two other people closely following behind. “Who the hell are they?” I asked.
“These are my friends Seth and Katelyn. I’m Suzie by the way.”
“Hi! Nice to meet you, Suzie. I’m Austin, but you can just call me Whore.”
Suzie giggled and proved to be a very sweet girl. Luckily, her friends were just as nice. However, I couldn’t help but notice Katelyn’s behavior …
“She’s blind, so she has to be with me at all times,” Suzie informed me.
“Oh okay, but what’s Seth doing here?”
“He wants to watch,” which I didn’t mind, except Seth didn’t look like God had loved him enough to give him a nose.
As I looked around, I thought to myself:
How the hell did I end up in this tiny bathroom with No-Nose, Helen Keller, and a nymphomaniac who’s willing to pay me $20 to put a grape in my ass?
Then I remembered: I put myself in this situation.
To my disappointment, just as I was about to take the $20 bill, she chickened out on me.
Later that night, as my friend and I were heading back home, he turned to me and said, “Man, you’re crazy. I can’t believe you did that.”
I told him, “Oh believe me. That was nothing. If you were to see me walking down the streets of Seattle in latex with my leather daddy, you’d realize every night is what I like to call ‘casual Friday’ for me.”
Limpia (Cleansing)
Photo by Austin B. Hahn
Credit to Sasha, a professional palera based in San Diego, who taught me this cleansing and sent me the materials pictured above. You can contact her at botanicahavana@gmail.com. You can also order her products online at www.botanicahavana.bigcartel.com.
Materials:
- Agua de florida (Florida Water)
- Cascarilla (egg shell powder)
- Charcoal (Three Kings brand which you can find at www.threekings.com)
- Esencia Perfume Oil azar
- Esencia Perfume Oil Jazmín
- Esencia Perfume Oil Mirra
- Flor de azahar
- Florida Water soap
- Incense by Botanic Havana (contains seven blossoms, dried up roses, frankincense, myrrh, and copal.)
- Lirio (lily extract)
- Red cloth
- Rattle viper sperm incense (from Laredo Mistycals Co.)
- Tin foil
- Vamsi Dhari Perfume Oils Almizcle
- White flower petals of your choosing
Directions:
Note: This cleansing will take five days.
Day I
Put the rattle viper sperm incense inside the red cloth and take a rubber band to tie it off into a little ball. You’re going to start cleansing your own or your significant other’s body with the red ball of cloth as if it were soap. Start from the head and work your way down to the toe. You will ask for everything that you or your significant has on that’s negative to be taken off of them or yourself, and then take the aluminum foil and lay it out on the floor. Put the bag on it, and light it on fire. Look for shapes in the flame (such as animals or the initials of an enemy.)
Day 2
Rest.
Days 3, 4, and 5
Take baths.
To prepare the bath:
- Mix the six viles and the Florida Water together with the cascarcilla and the white flower petals for three days with water from the kitchen sink.
- Shower normally with the Florida Water soap.
- When you’re about to get out, ask everything negative, (such as ill will sent your way or witchcraft), to wash away. Let it air dry.
- Put the charcoal over a burner, then once it’s ready, you will know because the charcoal will turn red, put it on a pan and sprinkle the incense by Botanica Havana over it. You can pass it over your body and over all four corners of your home.
- Ask that any negative energy be picked up by the incense to go away. Do this for three days.
Tip: Before you leave the house, using the cascarilla, you can put a cross on the extremities, (hands and feet), of your body and on your forehead. You can also put a cross on the palms of your hands, clap, and say, “one, two, three,” and then shake it off. Do this while you’re inside of your own home.
austinbhahn 