By Austin B. Hahn
What a let down the New Year’s party was! I swear, it made the Stepford Wives look entertaining. Everyone was sitting around, being quiet, or talking about how their tuna casserole that they made the other day didn’t turn out right. Half the time I just wanted to turn around and say, “You won’t believe what happened yesterday! I thought I had some money in my wallet, and when the pizza delivery guy showed up, I realized I couldn’t pay him, so I just gave him a blowjob instead which is basically the same thing as cash. If not, even better, right?”
I looked around, and people seemed as if they were anxiously waiting for something good to happen. My friend, who was sitting next to me, mumbled, “Dude! This is the lamest party I have ever been to man,” so I finally stood up on the couch and yelled out, “Who wants to put a grape in my ass for $20!?”
My friend, like a teenager, almost died of embarrassment. His face looked more red than the Kool-Aid mascot. I didn’t honestly think there were going to be any takers, but to my surprise, the universe responded.
A young twenty-something girl perked up and said, “Got $20 right here!” She looked like an Ugly Betty impersonator who could’ve made an appearance on Glee.
“Alright! Let’s do this!” I said enthusiastically. We headed downstairs to the bathroom with two other people closely following behind. “Who the hell are they?” I asked.
“These are my friends Seth and Katelyn. I’m Suzie by the way.”
“Hi! Nice to meet you, Suzie. I’m Austin, but you can just call me Whore.”
Suzie giggled and proved to be a very sweet girl. Luckily, her friends were just as nice. However, I couldn’t help but notice Katelyn’s behavior …
“She’s blind, so she has to be with me at all times,” Suzie informed me.
“Oh okay, but what’s Seth doing here?”
“He wants to watch,” which I didn’t mind, except Seth didn’t look like God had loved him enough to give him a nose.
As I looked around, I thought to myself:
How the hell did I end up in this tiny bathroom with No-Nose, Helen Keller, and a nymphomaniac who’s willing to pay me $20 to put a grape in my ass?
Then I remembered: I put myself in this situation.
To my disappointment, just as I was about to take the $20 bill, she chickened out on me.
Later that night, as my friend and I were heading back home, he turned to me and said, “Man, you’re crazy. I can’t believe you did that.”
I told him, “Oh believe me. That was nothing. If you were to see me walking down the streets of Seattle in latex with my leather daddy, you’d realize every night is what I like to call ‘casual Friday’ for me.”